saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Randomize
