you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
