you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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