I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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