we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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