He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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