weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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