I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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