I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
