If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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