the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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