Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
