I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
