the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
