god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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