She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
