Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
