the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
