Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
