I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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