Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
