I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
