hotel room ftw
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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