i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
