HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
