She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
