I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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