I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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