Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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