where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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