I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
