I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
