I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
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About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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