I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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