It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
