i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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