a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
