I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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