u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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