You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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