just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
