I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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