I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
