So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he was CRYING into my vagina
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
