I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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