Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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