when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
