Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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