honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
