you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
