i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
