i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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