I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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