there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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