is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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