I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
