dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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