So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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