just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
