New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
