Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
